Pornography As a Turn-On for Fun-Driven Adult Sex

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Adventurous couples can buy a pornographic video and watch it together. That is generally a surefire way to end up in bed. In fact, it is usually when couples are in bed that they watch such films. And if the film is a good one they will enjoy being turned on as they watch it. Many couples find that the provocative content stimulates them to duplicate what is being viewed. They are impulsively driven to touch each other, kid around, mimic the sex acts, and swing from the imagined chandelier as they tickle each other’s fancy.

In many countries in the world, including most industrialized ones, pornography is not banned or hidden from view. For example, at King’s Cross district in Sydney, Australia a section of the city is designated to show and sell pornography Sex oriented videos, DVDs, books, sex toys, lubricants, assumed aphrodisiacs, are sold in kiosks and stores. Strip clubs, restaurants, massage parlors and other clubs are available to meet members of the opposite sex.

In Europe, in many countries, and cities pornography is not hidden and thus available for adults. In all the countries there are restrictions to the sale of pornography to children and prosecution of offenders is open and continuous.

In the US pornography is not banned from sale to adults although there is no tolerance on anyone abusing the Child Pornography laws.

But for the purpose of improving the sex life of adults pornography has a place for some. Do you have to be lonely or hard-up to use porn? The answer is No. Porn can be a substitute for sex for many lonely and sex starved adults, mainly men, and for adults without a partner who like visual stimulation for self-arousal.

Finally, let’s examine whether pornography can fit into the armamentarium of the average adult who wishes for increased stimulation for lovemaking. What can porno offer?
As with any movie there is added stimulation by watching real pictures compared to imaging such scenes. Some porno videos actually tell a reasonable story where there is more than just sexual exploitation. So some selection is necessary. Google is a good resource to discover what are considered the best sex videos made in the past few decades.

Beside adding visual stimulation couples can mimic what they see, learn about new positions, empathize with the excitement of the sex partners, imagine participating in the viewed sex, experience sex beyond their own interests, such as gay, bi, S and M, bondage, oral and anal sex, and the use of fetishes. Some show dancing, foreplay that could be stimulating and perhaps above all can act as a stimulus to open the viewers to become freer and lustier about sex.

If you attempt to try out the benefits of sex videos and it is new to you imagine becoming an adventurer and explorer so you don’t take a negative bias into your viewing. An open mind will allow you to gain what might be there for you. At the very worst it won’t have any effect on you and may even turn you off. If so, just chalk it up as another interesting experience.

To determine if pornography may be a stimulus for your personal sex life approach its use openly. It might be a new vehicle for greater enjoyment of sex for occasional use or even frequent use. Remember adults have no restrictions on what they mutually do and prefer behind closed doors. So enjoy the movies and enjoy the sex and know you have taken another step to gaining a new stimulus for sex and love.

by Marvin H. Berenson, M.D. July 12, 2011

To discover new and effective ways to have a wonderful, romantic love life and to become a great lover, my book “Love and Sex” offers frank and wide-reaching information. You will find a truly in-depth look at what actually happens during sex and how to overcome sexual difficulties. By reading this book you can change your love life.

Why You Can’t Shake Off The Nagging Feeling You’ve Been Cruelly Singled Out By Fate To Be Single

You’ve probably heard it a thousand times: everyone telling you that you can have an exciting life as a single and that you don’t need to be in a relationship to be fulfilled…

Much of the advice we get about being happily single is well-meaning but how much of it is practical. If it is your choice to be single and you are happy that way, good for you. But if what you really want is to be in a relationship, how happy can you be sitting alone on your couch weekend after weekend or eating your Christmas dinner all by yourself? Not to mention trying to find someone to accompany you to the office annual dinner.

Being single isn’t easy, whatever anyone says. Personally, I believe that being single can be a wonderful and fulfilling time in your life. Time alone as a single man or woman is a great time for self-growth and for finding the happiness and love that lies within but there comes a time when you need to move to a new level of growing and sharing – with someone else.

Yes, you have all of these beautiful things inside of you but with no-one to share them with. Even though you have lots of people that care about you, you’ll still know deep down that it’s so unlike having that “special” person that really knows when to make you smile when everything else around you seems so dreary. Of course you could find a few people available for casual sex but for you there are emotional and moral complications with that – you are not the type to have sex with just anyone who comes along. The bottom line is that there comes a time when nature calls, a time when you are ready to love in a deep, intimate sexual way, and when you reach this stage in your life you will feel lonely until it’s fulfilled.

Feeling lonely is not a negative thing. The hope for love is human and good. There is nothing wrong with wanting to find a life partner. Wanting to share love with someone is “natural” progression born from our soul and spiritual need. But not everyone dares to go into this abyss of pain which the longing for a soul mate can take you. This is a path for those who aren’t just looking for wholeness, or to be part of a couple, it is a path for people who are interested in something bigger and better than “self-love” and “self-absorption”- something Divine.

As a conscious, forward thinking, fun-loving, independent, choice-making fabulous individual, you realize that you hold everything you need inside of yourself but you also realize that you deserve loving and healthy human contact. However, unlike people under 30 years of age your prospects are not as great. Further more, most of your best friends will have been married by now, thus, narrowing the chances of them being an effective resource for you. So where do you go? And where do you meet others who are consciously and spiritually evolving?

There’s always the computer. But only God knows how many online dating sites you’ve tried. For some reason, you seem to be the only person who never seems to have much luck with them. If you are like many others, you’ve probably been taken in by a photo or profile of a person you thought was what you’ve always been looking for – only to find when you actually met that person they looked and sounded nothing like their photo or profile.

So to hell with technology you tell yourself, afterall nothing beats the feeling of an authentic spontaneous encounter with an intriguing person. But the last time you went to one of those “singles nights” or “speed dates”, far from being a honey-pot of attractive, unattached people, it turned out to be the same old sad gloomy dead end prospects. And your local church has no singles programs for people your age.

May be you’ve even tried the lonely hearts columns and some people didn’t even bother to reply – that made you feel as if nobody wants to know you. You feel so rejected and unwanted. You just cannot shake off the nagging feeling that you have been cruelly singled out by some grossly unfair quirk of fate to be single – and, perhaps, single all your life. That’s what being single sometimes does to you.

If you’ve tried being happily single and it is not working for you, try these very simple, yet very smart strategies that have been key in helping thousands of singles transform a stagnant dating life (virtually non-existent) into purpose driven dating, fun and fulfillment. Chances are that you will have a busy dating life. You will make all of your unhappy married friends envious.

Create space for love!

From experience, mine and many others, I honestly believe that love always find a way to us. But I also believe that life is what is happening while you “wait”. Don’t be so “busy” that men and women look at you and think you do not have room for a relationship because you are so happily single. If you say you are happily single but secretly long for that special man or woman in your life, then what signal do you think you’re sending out to God and to the universe? Make sure you are always sending out the right vibration. If you want someone to come into your life, then you must clear space and make room for that person in your mind, in your heart and in your life. Happy people are not those people who have the best of everything happy people are those who make the most of everything.

Meet lots of people!

The ONLY way you can learn about human relations is by having them – not from a book, from a seminar, hiding away in isolation in some retreat house and certainly not from an epiphany or “road to Damascus” encounter. The more you know about others, the more you learn about yourself, and the more you know about yourself, the better chances you have of attracting someone with whom you have lots in common. Get out and meet lots of people, men and women, and talk, smile, flirt, take an interest and laugh with them. No pressure for anyone. And avoid the old habits of quantifying your relationships by “keeping score” as to who called whom first and whether or not a man or woman is “that into you”. That drama may have been okay for junior high, but we’re adults with interesting careers, lives and better things to do – hopefully. The whole point is meet as many people as you can.

Get the basics right!

There is a great big wonderful dating world out there for those who are willing to venture into it. But it is also a well-known fact that the greater your mastery of the basics, the better your chances of succeeding. In fact, mastery of the basics either through reading self-help books, attending a seminar or working with a professional is often the key factor that separates the great from the mediocre. However avoid those very retro “corny” books and advice columns. In dating as in anything else, if you want to become successful at it, you need to learn what the masters are doing and imitate them. You need to be ready for the opportunities that life brings you, so that when your time comes, you don’t miss your shot.

Do something you wouldn’t normally do!

A majority of people are so very predictably boring and that is why we are incredibly impressed when we meet someone who is creative and spontaneous. Every now and then try to do something spontaneous – this is not the same as reckless and stupid: get dressed up even if there is no one around to impress, visit that one place you’ve always wanted to, sing that song you love at the top of your lungs, grab some friends and go do something completely mind blowing. Do it just because you can. Push it further and head out onto your freer and wild side. Not only will you be doing something fun and out of the ordinary, but somewhere someone is watching and he or she is very impressed with what they see – it says to them “this is what life with me is like”.

No Matter what don’t stop believing!

If you yearn for a wonderful relationship with the right person, don’t quit hoping. God and the Universe need to know that you not only know what you want, but you really want it. No matter what, you need to cultivate the habit of persisting, of starting again after setbacks and using your failures as, an education for success. You need to remember that more than anything else – persistence is what separates the “haves” from the “have nots”.

My website has lots more advice on the ingenuity of creating the “click” with the opposite sex. Once you can identify what is about you that promises enjoyment, excitement, arousal and nurturance or some reward related to personal expansion, you’ll have found the secret of creating a connection that will make both of you feel loved, wanted, desired and fulfilled.

What Drives Kids to Extremism and Radicalization?

In light of what has been going on around the world from the mass shootings in the United States and the terrorists acts in Europe and Middle East to young kids committing horrific acts of violence and joining terrorist organizations, I thought it would serve a good purpose if I posted my Take on what is driving all these good people and young kids to these extremes. Though, I have to make clear that these are only my thoughts and beliefs and this is not a research paper. This article is not about guns, gun control, or any political topic. This article is meant to explain my Take on these situations and others like it.

In the recent years we have all witnessed or heard the unbelievable acts of violence and mass shootings in the United States. From the Aurora shootings where 12 were shot and killed and 58 others injured to the horrific shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown where 26 innocent children and adults were gunned down, there is no denying that there is a clear break in the system. A break where someone can get to the point of seeing no other way than killing other people before killing themselves, to get out of whatever issue they are dealing with in their lives.

If we look closely at the shooters in these killings, we can see a clear trend. Harper-Mercer: Oregon shooter, 26; Abdulazeez: Chattanooga shooter, 24; Roof: Charleston shooter, 21; Rodger: Isla Vista shooter, 22; Zawahri: Santa Monica shooter, 23; Lanza, Newtown shooter, 20; Holmes, Aurora shooter, 24; Loughner, Tucson shooter, 22; and the list goes on and on. There is a clear and shocking trend in the majority of the mass shootings in the United States. The shooters are young people, especially males, in their 20s and 30s, and are lonely and unemployed. Of course, there is no denying that some were suffering from mental illness. I am not discussing the medical aspects here, I will leave that to experts in mental health who are more qualified to comment on this than I am.

Recently, the threat of ISIS and ISIS inspired attacks around the world is all we hear on TV, radio, read on online blogs and etc. It is even a major part of the 2016 United States Presidential primaries. The threat of being attacked by the terror group, and the thought of teenagers and the youth fleeing the Western countries to go abroad to join the group to fight for their “cause”, is too much to handle.

But what cause? What are they talking about? What is it that they think they achieve by killing innocent people or by joining a terrorist group? What makes them even think about doing any of these, knowing they will get killed in the end. What drives them to what I call “insanity”? What enables the perpetrators to be able to so easily brainwash them and to radicalize them? What makes some individuals more susceptible than others?

More often than not, I hear people in the media blame these impressionable youths. Yes, I completely understand that if someone shoots and kills 14 people, they are to blame and that justice must be served. I understand that completely. My heart is with the family members of all the victims of all of these horrible crimes and I cannot possibly understand what they must have gone through. But what I am trying to get to here is, what if we step back for one second, and instead of just blaming or explaining things with mental illness, think about what might have driven the kids to the level that they thought they had to find an alternate option… Maybe if we look at things in this manner we could find a way to prevent these tragedies from happening in the future, or reduce the likelihood of their happening.

When I was a child, I was taken to many different parts of the world, thanks to my father’s cabinet position in the ministry of energy and natural resources. My sister and I were taken from country-to-country, continent-to-continent, from the day I remember. From Germany, to China and then Japan, to Iran and Dubai to Cyprus to Canada. I have been places. I have great memories and bad memories of my childhood going from one country to the next.

When I was 7 or 8 we had to move to Japan for a long-term oil and gas project my father was working on with his Japanese counterparts. Because of my young age, I was forced to go to an all-Japanese school, whereas my sister got lucky and ended up going to an English school. I cannot speak for my sister, but I do recall my own experience in school when I spoke absolutely no Japanese and they spoke no other language than Japanese. As much as I love the Japanese now, I did not have the best experience then. I was always lonely, got beat up by other kids, got humiliated, got ganged up on, singled out and had no real friends. I ran from school so many times that my mother had to come to school, stay there in the hallway all day to make sure I did not run away from school. God bless her for having the love and patience to do this all day everyday for 3 years, probably with no food most of the time.

I felt extremely lonely, and at that young age I did not feel like I was liked by people around me. I spent hours and hours in front of the TV playing video games, being alone, and just to myself (sound familiar?). I was so quiet and lonely that I did not see a point in talking to others, because I did not think I was gonna be liked or heard anyway. I was more than willing to be part of a group, any group or find someone who was willing to be my friend, at any cost. I was most susceptible to being harmed or radicalized, but thank God that this is a 20-some-year-old story, when the world was a much safer place to live in.

Some kids are by nature quiet, shy and introverts. It is hard for them to communicate with their peers, to join them, to be friends with them. They get bullied the most in schools, get discriminated against the most and have the most amount of fear when it comes to life and society. Some go on to become difficult aggressive kids that cannot be controlled even by their parents, rebels that damage everything they find. Some, like myself, try to find ways to find a friend; someone who accepts them with open arms. Boys or girls, they all want and need comradery, love and friends. They all want to belong. They want to feel equal.

For example, when I saw other kids talking about certain cartoons and TV shows, I was more inclined to watch them and forced myself to like them so that I could be a part of the conversation in school. I was so willing to do whatever it took to have a friend, to be embraced and liked by my peers that I just walked around and listened to what people were talking about, and I tried to fit in, somewhere. A couple of years after when I moved up in school and was in around grade 3 or 4, I came across a more religious group and I was immediately drawn to them, because their message was “You are welcome with us, you belong”. I went to become a deeply religious young kid, who worshiped God religiously and participated regularly in religious worship sessions and groups.

When I left Japan and moved to Middle East, I was still in grade 5 and it was a major culture shock, again. I had to go to a transition school where I could speak the language well enough to participate in regular schools and learn the culture again to be a part of the society. There were many kids from almost every country in the world, except… Japan. I was the only kid that came from Japan. I was lonely and miserable, again, ready to do whatever it took to be accepted, to have friends.

I went through middle school and high school very much the same way, no friends, most of the time alone, a rebel. I spent all of my breaks alone, sitting in a corner, eating a sandwich or a piece of fruit that my mother had packed for me, looking at other kids with their friends, in their groups laughing, playing and having fun, trying to figure out what was it about me that drove people away.

I was not good at talking to guys or girls. I really wanted to talk to girls, but I rarely had the courage to even say hi. This bothered me the most. I always saw other kids going out with girls after school… and I never got a second look from anybody. I felt desperate. I felt that there was something wrong with me…

Attracting and talking to the opposite sex is arguably the most difficult part of anybody’s life. I had so many issues talking with girls, even when we were just playing games. I could barely ask a girl out and keep a relationship afloat for more than 2 weeks.

Growing up, I was taught to care about my education and my studies the most. To do nothing but study. This is the extreme opposite of not paying attention to your child and letting them do whatever they want. I was not allowed to socialize with girls, all fearing that the relationship with girls would slow down my studies and would hinder my opportunity to get good grades.

I cannot express how important it is for kids and youth to spend time and interact with the opposite sex. The kids that are not able to talk to or have a normal relationship with their opposite sex are are a higher risk of getting drawn to the extremes. There has been many sitcoms, Married with Children, 8 Simple Rules, etc. in which the father kicked the guys wanting to date their daughters out of the house with the fear of the guys trying to take advantage of their daughters. Being a man, wanting to have a daughter one day, I can totally understand why some go to the extremes. If we teach these behaviors and prevent a clean, respectful relationship between boys and girls, we are contributing to many psychological disorders that can manifest itself later on in a child’s life. Of course I am a strong advocate of a fully supervised relationship between boys and girls.

Every person I became friends with drove me to doing something they enjoyed. Whether it be watching certain cartoons, playing soccer, damaging people’s properties, etc. I just knew I needed to belong.

Would I have been a great target for extremist groups? You betcha. Religious groups, extremist groups have come to understand the nature of the beast, really well. They understand the psychology of loneliness and the need for belonging. They include positive messages filled with hope and beautiful nature of having a group that you belong to, having someone you can call a friend. They put a friendly face on when they make advertisements, they include images of them laughing, being friendly to one another, eating in a group, all those nice things we all want to have. On the surface, they offer what lonely individuals lack and want. If a young man or a woman sees an opportunity to belong and they are at their wits’ end, what could possibly stop them from actually joining them? Nothing.

Now, I am in my early 30s, educated and successful, and live in the best country in the world, in the best city in the world with my family and have great friends all highly educated and successful.

I am very happy and thank God that in my rebellious and those years my blood was filled with an overshot of testosterone, I did not cause any damage to anybody. However, I must admit I did cause many damage to properties, mainly my parent’s car and their belongings. I have done and said many things that I am not really proud of to my father, mother and especially sister, and if I could take them back or turn back time and do it all over, I would do so in a heartbeat.

When I read the stories of these young men and women who commit horrific crimes, kill innocent people and themselves, or join terrorist organizations, I see beyond the surface; past what most people see. I see the real frustration, the real desperation that drives them to the extreme, to do whatever it takes. Reading the posts and watching the videos these young people make before they go on their rampages, beyond a reasonable doubt tells me that they are where I was when I was a kid. I can clearly feel the void within, their sadness, and their desperation. I feel their anger and their constant questioning of why, what is wrong with me, why doesn’t anyone like me.

But, who is really responsible here? Are the kids to blame? Would you blame a kid that is radicalized and joins ISIS, for example? As hard as it is to say and I know I may get a strong opposition to this, I say no. I say the kid is not to blame.

So then, who is to blame then??

First, and foremost, I want to blame the parents. Yes, I understand that includes my own parents. Kids are supposed to get love, attention and feel as if they belong, in the family. Troubled kids, more often than not, lack this in their families. Their parents do not act in a manner that shows and teaches the kids the value of love and belonging. This could be a direct result of the parents being too busy and preoccupied with work, or not being present in the child’s life or not taking an active role in the child’s life. Or, it could be that the parents are separated and the child is missing a strong role model in their lives.

I know some parents might argue that they need to provide food and shelter for the family, that they need to work long hours, or work 2 to 3 jobs to be able to provide for their families. I hear you and I understand you. But you have to understand, your job as a parent is not just to provide food and shelter. Your job is to provide love, care, affection, food and shelter.

If the children do not learn the sense of belonging from an early age, within the family, they are going to suffer throughout the rest of their lives. If they don’t learn how to interact, how to talk, how to behave, how to deal with other people, in the family, they will suffer from low self-esteem, from anxiety, depression and many other issues in their lives.

One thing that the Western societies and cultures are known for is the weak family bond. These days every child has a TV in their rooms, a computer with internet access in their rooms, they eat separately in their rooms, they have very little interactions with their siblings or parents, they do what they want, when they want. What is wrong with this picture? Nobody talks to each other! All that the kids learn is loneliness and whatever it is on TV, which more often than not, violence and risky behavior.

What we as adults, and as parents, fail to do is to create a Family. We rent or buy a house, have kids and call it a family. But it really is not. A family is more than just a couple of people that have sex and kids that are the results of the sex, living under the same roof. A family needs love, affection, deep respect and care for every member. A family needs to spend time together. Parents need to spend quality time with their kids, go for a walk, hike, rent a couple of tandem bikes and go for an hour of bike ride, go camping, create a culture of love and togetherness in the family, show your kids what the meaning of belonging is, invite their friends over, give them a chance to socialize and connect outside of the pressure of school and competing groups.

What is interesting to me is that, we somehow, magically, find time to spend time with our pets, take them for a walk, get them the best food we can but when it comes to our own flesh and blood, we fail and we let them be on their own.

One thing I really enjoy seeing when I deal with parents that get involved in family sports is how the kids laugh, enjoy and have fun when they do something with their parents. The joy in their laughter, the spark in their eyes is truly priceless. You don’t need to take up a new sport, spend hundreds of dollars a month to do this. Buy a couple of badminton rackets or a soccer ball, a football or a basketball… all you can pick up from a store that is probably 5 minutes from where you live, under $10. Play with your kids, let them look forward to something to do with YOU after they do their homework, let them look forward to doing something with YOU after you get home from work and you should look forward to doing something with YOUR kids that makes them happy, that keeps them engaged, that teaches them the power of the family. Show interest in their daily lives, in them, in what they do, in what they want to become, be encouraging, they are YOUR children. Show them love.

In closing, I want to emphasize a few key points:

I, personally, do not believe that the kids that are driven to the extremes are to blame. As people, we are social beings, we need to socialize, we need to belong, hear and be heard, love and be loved. If we do not get these from our families, especially at a young age, we look for alternative sources to provide us with our emotional needs. It is very similar to quest to satisfy our hunger. If we do not get enough food to eat through proper channels, there is a good chance we will commit a crime, steal food, hurt someone, just to have something to satisfy ourselves with.

Extremist groups understand this very well and they monetize on this by sending warm and welcoming messages to the vulnerable. They create images of what it would be like to join them, images filled with laughter, joy, belonging and friendship.

The Treatment of Sex Addiction – An Analytic Approach

It is well known among people in the 12-step sex programs that of all the addictions, sex is the most difficult to master. Far from the notion that sex addiction is the “fun” one, the suffering of dealing with this affliction is enormous. The compulsion is so compelling that it is common for members of the sex recovering groups to be unable to maintain any continuous time of sexual sobriety, giving way to despair and hopelessness. Before treatment, sexual enactment is the addict’s only source of safety, pleasure, soothing and acceptance. It vitalizes and connects. It relieves loneliness, emptiness and depression. Sex addition has been called the athlete’s foot of the mind: it is an itch always waiting to be scratched. The scratching, however, causes wounds and never alleviates the itch.

Furthermore, the percentage of people who go to therapy or a 12-step program is quite small. The majority of sexual compulsives live in isolation filled with feelings of shame. Almost 100% of the people who come to me for an initial consultation, whether it be for compulsive use of prostitutes, phone sex, a fetish, cross dressing, or masochistic encounters with dominatrixes, relay that beneath the shame they feel in telling me their story, they also experience a sense of freedom that comes from finally being able to share with another human being the hidden, shameful, sexually compulsive acts that imprison them.

This is a condition that gradually bleeds away everything the person holds dear. The life of a sex addict gradually becomes very small. The freedom of self is impaired. Energies are consumed. The rapacious need for a particular kind of sexual experience drives the addict to spend untold hours in the world of his addiction. Inexorably, the compulsion begins to exact higher and higher costs. Whether it be on the internet indulging in sexual fantasies with fantasy people, being on the phone to the sex hot-lines, or frantically searching the net and the S&M clubs for someone who will act out a particular, ritualized fetish fantasy, or cruising the bars searching for the “one” who will have sex in a public toilet, or going to dungeons to be whipped, flogged and humiliated, sex addiction is a devastating illness that takes an enormous toll. Friends slip away. Hobbies and activities once enjoyed are dropped. Financial security crumbles as sums as high as $40,000 or $50,000 a year are spent on sex. Then there is perpetual fear of exposure. Relationships with partners are ruined, as the appeal of intimate sex with a partner pales in comparison to the intense “high” of indulging in the dark and devious world of sexual compulsion.

What is a sex addict? Sex addiction, of course, has nothing to do with sex. Any sexual act or apparent “perversion” has no meaning outside of its psychological, unconscious context. A simple definition of sex addiction is not dissimilar to definitions of other addictions. But a simple definition of this complex and intractable condition doesn’t suffice. What sets sex addiction apart from other addictions and makes it so persistent is that the subject of sex touches on our innermost unconscious wishes and fears, our sense of self, our very identity.

Current treatment might include participation in a 12-step program, going to an outpatient clinic, working with the Patrick Carnes material, aversion therapy, or the use of medications to stave off hypersexuality. Most therapy is cognitive-behavioral, designed to help the patient to control or repress the instinct for a period of time, usually out of a desire to comply with the group norms of their 12-step meeting or a need to please the therapist. While I recognize the efficacy the 12-step programs to provide structure and support, in my opinion, the reason that relapse is so prevalent is that these treatment modalities do not effect long-term structural personality change that eliminates the compulsion at its roots. Current treatment does not aim to transform psychic energies so that the reality sector of the mind dominates the personality so that the impulse to act out can be understood and controlled.

While the definition of sex addiction is the same as that of other addictions (recurrent failure to control the behavior and continuation of the behavior despite increasingly harmful consequences), sexual compulsion is set apart from other addictions in that sex involves our innermost unconscious wishes, fears and conflicts. Sex addiction is a symbolic enactment of deeply entrenched unconscious dysfunctional relational patterns with self and others. It involves a person’s derailed developmental process that occurred as a result of inadequate parenting. Hence, permanent growth and change are most likely to occur in the arena of contemporary psychoanalysis, which seeks understanding and repair of these unconscious dysfunctional relational patterns along with the development of a more unified and structured sense of self. This new personality restructuring can better self-regulate feeling states without the use of a destructive defense like sexualization and can find meaning, enjoyment, intimacy, meaningful goal setting and achievement from attainable and appropriate sources in life.

The remainder of this paper will give a brief overview of the historical psychoanalytic views about sexual deviance, and will then articulate the current analytic understanding about the dynamics and treatment of sexual compulsions.

Any discussion of historical psychoanalysis must, ipso facto, begin with Sigmund Freud. Freud formulated that sexual deviance occurs due to an incomplete resolution of the Oedipus complex, with its concomitant castration anxiety. Unconscious castration anxiety occurs in the person’s present-day consciousness in the form of fear of confrontation, retaliation, or rebuke, a sense of inadequacy, and perhaps doubts about gender identity. Sex addiction, according to Freud, is a defensive way to cope with a tenuous sense of masculinity combined with unrelenting anxiety about sex, women, intimacy, aggression, and competition. Analysts that followed Freud held varying views. Sexual compulsions derive from an insatiable need for approval, prestige, power, bolstering of self-esteem, love and security which are experienced as being necessary for survival. The addict experiences the absence of sexual acting out as a threat to his very existence.

Characteristic of any addict is a long history of a disturbed mother-child relationship. An unempathic, narcissistic, depressed or alcoholic mother has low tolerance for the child’s stress and frustrations. Nor is she able to supply the empathy, attention, nurturing and support that foster healthy development. The result in later life is separation anxiety, fear of abandonment and a sense of imminent self-fragmentation. This anxiety sends the sex addict running to his eroticized, fantasy cocoon where he experiences safety, security, a diminution of anxiety as well as the quelling of an unconscious wish to establish and maintain the missing, yet essential tie to mother. Typical of this person is the hope that he can find an idealized “other” who can embody, actualize and make concrete the longed for endlessly nurturing parent. This approach is doomed to failure. Inevitably, the other person’s needs start to impinge on the fantasy. The result is frustration, loneliness and disappointment.

On the other hand, a mother can be overly intrusive and attentive. She may be unconsciously seductive, perhaps using the child as a replacement for an emotionally unavailable spouse. The child perceives the mother’s inability to set appropriate boundaries as seductive and as a massive disillusionment. Later in life, the addict is hypersexual and has trouble setting boundaries. Real intimacy is experienced as an engulfing burden. The disillusionment of not experiencing appropriate parental boundaries is acted out later in life by the addict’s unconscious belief that the rules don’t apply to him with regards to sex, although he may be regulated and compliant in other parts of his life.

A major theme for all addictions is that they have experienced profound and chronic need deprivation throughout childhood. Addicts in general sustain emotional injury within the realm of the mother-infant interaction as well as with other relationships. Intense interpersonal anxiety is the result of this early-life emotional need deprivation. In later life, the person experiences anxiety in all intimate relationships. Because the sex addict has anxiety about being unable to get what he needs from real people and because his desperate search for the fulfillment of unmet childhood needs inevitably end in disillusionment, he inevitably returns to his reliance on sexual fantasies and enactments to alleviate anxiety about connection and intimacy and as a way to achieve a sense of self-affirmation.

Sex, for the addict, begins to be his primary value and a confirmation of his sense of self. Feelings of inferiority, inadequacy, and worthlessness magically disappear while sexually preoccupied , through acting out or through spending untold hours on the internet. However, the use of sex to meet self-centered needs for approval or validation precludes using it to meet the intimacy needs of a cherished other. Characteristic of this kind of narcissism is the viewing of other human beings not as whole people who have their own feelings, wants and needs, but rather as deliverers of desperately needed satisfaction that shores up a fragile sense of self. This sets up a cycle wherein his narcissism prevents him from deriving satisfaction from mutual, reciprocal relationships in real-life. Sexualizing, once again, is returned to as a magical elixir wherein his needs are magically met without having to negotiate the very real vicissitudes of intimate relationships.

A client of mine, a 48-year-old attractive single man, is in the process of the breaking up of yet another relationship. After spending years of living a noxious childhood household, he went into his own world of fantasizing and masturbation as a way to soothe and protect himself.

“When I was a kid, I was obsessed with beautiful women in the magazines. When I was able to date, I went through one woman after another. In adulthood, I knew there was sadness and anger I didn’t want to face. To evade them, I had a steady stream of women who worshipped me, soothed me, paid attention to my needs. I went to peep shows and I visited prostitutes. Many a night I would spend hours in my car circling the block looking for just the right street-walker to give me oral sex in my car. One night I had sex with a transvestite. I cried all the way home.”

He met a girl whom he designated as “perfect – my redemption, my salvation.” He became engaged but soon lost interest in the sex, which he described as “boring”. While still engaged, he started picking up hookers for oral sex in the car and began compulsively using phone sex.

His current relationship is breaking up because he picked a woman for her youth and beauty (which reflected well on his narcissistic self). The rest of the story is predictable. They moved in together and the beautiful, young, sexy female started become real and having needs of her own. He admits he never felt warmth or love for her; she was merely a supplier of his narcissistic needs. As the relationship deteriorates, he fights the impulses to return to sex with strangers who don’t make demand on him.

Another client of mine, a 38-year-old married man, has a compulsion to visit prostitutes. Three years into the treatment, he was finally able to talk about his anger towards his mother for depriving him emotionally through neglect and for never touching or caressing him. He can now make a connection between visits to the prostitutes and his hostility against mother for depriving him of sensual pleasure. He got lost in the mire of his parents’ constant feuding.

“When I was very young I would put a blanket on my genitals as a kind of soothing which I wasn’t getting from my parents. The rest of my life was a struggle to find other ways to soothe myself. When I discovered prostitutes, I thought I was in heaven. I can get sex now and be in total control. I can have it immediately, any way I want it, whenever I want it. I don’t have to concern myself with the girl, as long as I pay her. I don’t have to concern myself with vulnerability and rejection. This is my controlled pleasure world. This is the ultimate antithesis of the deprivation of my childhood.”

The use of sexualization as a defense is a common theme that runs through the psychoanalytic literature. A defense is a mechanism the young child devises to psychologically survive a noxious family environment. While this way of protecting himself works well for a period of time, the continuous use of it as an adult is destructive to the person’s ongoing functioning and sense of well being.

By losing himself in sexual fantasies and constantly seeing others as potential sex partners, or by erotic internet enactments, the sex addict is able to significantly reduce and control a wide variety of threatening and uncomfortable emotional states. Most addicts control or bind potentially overwhelming anxiety via the addiction process. Diminution of depression, anxiety and rage are some of the pay-offs that operate to facilitate and maintain life in the erotic cocoon.

I quote another patient which illustrates a case of narcissistic personality together with the use of sexualization as a defense. He is a 52-year old attractive, successful single man.

“I went on a date the other night. She wanted sex. I didn’t. It’s predictable. I don’t think I can even maintain an erection anymore. While a spend untold hours compulsively websurfing to live in my erotic fantasies, when it becomes real, when you find someone who seems to be the embodiment of your sexual pre-occupation, interest soon wanes as her wants and needs come into the picture. Sometimes, I don’t even bother with the pursuit of real women, because I know the inevitable result is disillusionment. I’m simply not prepared to meet somebody else’s needs.

Oddly enough, my life is still dominated by sex. It becomes the lens through which I view everything. I go to a family gathering and get lost in sexual fantasies about my teenage nieces. I live in constant fear of being found out to be a “pervert”. I see a woman on the train dressed in a way that triggers me, and I’m ruined for the day. Regular sex just doesn’t do it for me anymore. It’s got to be bizarre or forbidden or “out of the box”. I arrive at work in an erotic haze. Women around me are all objects of sexual fantasy. I’m distracted; not focused. If something requires my attention, when real life intrudes and yanks me out of my sexual preoccupation, I get angry. Real life is so boring. Ordinary sex with a girlfriend holds no interest for me.”

This patient uses sexualization as a defense. He uses his sexual pre-occupation as a way to ward off chronic feelings of loneliness, inadequacy and emptiness born of a childhood trying to get nurturing from a withdrawn, depressed mother. When stress or anxiety begins to overwhelm the regulation of his emotions, he is beset by intense urges to indulge in his fantasies and enactments. Sexualization thus becomes his standard way of managing feelings that he perceives to be intolerable as well as a way of stabilizing a crumbling sense of self-worth.

It is my belief that sex addiction requires a contemporary psychoanalytic approach. Psychoanalysis changed drastically in the 1970’s with the work of a prominent psychoanalyst who jettisoned the Freudian approach and established a kind of treatment that is particularly useful in treating sex addiction. Contemporary analysts no longer conduct treatment three-times a week on the couch. They do not unearth hidden meanings, or remain silent, or put themselves on a “thrown” as being the “One Who Knows”. The process is a shared one and the relationship between patient and therapist is co-created and mutual.

Some contemporary psychoanalysts use the concept of a vertical split in treating the addict. The split exists from inadequate parenting which results in structural deficits in the personality. Patients often report that they feel fraudulent, living two separate lives with two different sets of values and goals. They feel they’re acting out a version of “The Strange Case of Dr. Jekell and Mr. Hyde.”

One sector of the personality, the one anchored in reality, is the responsible husband and father. This part of the person is conscious, adaptive, anchored in reality, structured, and often successful in business. This is also the sector that experiences guilt and shame about his sexual behaviors and ultimately drives him to seek therapy to ameliorate his misery.

The “Mr. Hyde” side of the vertical split has a completely different set of values and seems to be impervious to his own moral injunctions. “Mr. Hyde” represents the unconscious, split-off part of the personality. It is impulse-ridden, lives in erotic fantasy, and is sexualized, unstructured and unregulated. This side of the vertical split seems to be incapable of thinking impulses through, and thus is oblivious to the consequences of his behavior. This is the part of the self that is hidden, dark, driven and enslaved.

A comprehensive discussion of the actual process of therapy is beyond the scope of this paper. Suffice to say, the therapist uses him/herself as an instrument in integrating the split which results in personality structure building. Treatment bridges the gap of the split. Its aim is the establishment of a relationship with the therapist that regulates emotional states, is used as a “laboratory” to bring to consciousness maladaptive relationship patterns, provides empathy and understanding and reconstructs the childhood origin of the addiction. The goal is an integrated self that is able to merely experience a sexual fantasy without being preoccupied with it and without acting out a damaging sexual scenario.

The patient achieves some ability to self-regulate moods, and to seek out adequate and sustaining available supportive relationships both in and out of treatment. He is then free to put sexuality in its proper place and free up energies to gain satisfaction from real relationships, pursue creative or intellectual goals, obtain pleasure from hobbies and activities, and have a heightened sense of self-esteem, thus enabling him to end his isolation. He is then free to love, to have deeply satisfying, self-affirming sex, work to his potential, and experience being a valued member of the human community.

Pornography As a Turn-On for Fun-Driven Adult Sex

Adventurous couples can buy a pornographic video and watch it together. That is generally a surefire way to end up in bed. In fact, it is usually when couples are in bed that they watch such films. And if the film is a good one they will enjoy being turned on as they watch it. Many couples find that the provocative content stimulates them to duplicate what is being viewed. They are impulsively driven to touch each other, kid around, mimic the sex acts, and swing from the imagined chandelier as they tickle each other’s fancy.

In many countries in the world, including most industrialized ones, pornography is not banned or hidden from view. For example, at King’s Cross district in Sydney, Australia a section of the city is designated to show and sell pornography Sex oriented videos, DVDs, books, sex toys, lubricants, assumed aphrodisiacs, are sold in kiosks and stores. Strip clubs, restaurants, massage parlors and other clubs are available to meet members of the opposite sex.

In Europe, in many countries, and cities pornography is not hidden and thus available for adults. In all the countries there are restrictions to the sale of pornography to children and prosecution of offenders is open and continuous.

In the US pornography is not banned from sale to adults although there is no tolerance on anyone abusing the Child Pornography laws.

But for the purpose of improving the sex life of adults pornography has a place for some. Do you have to be lonely or hard-up to use porn? The answer is No. Porn can be a substitute for sex for many lonely and sex starved adults, mainly men, and for adults without a partner who like visual stimulation for self-arousal.

Finally, let’s examine whether pornography can fit into the armamentarium of the average adult who wishes for increased stimulation for lovemaking. What can porno offer?
As with any movie there is added stimulation by watching real pictures compared to imaging such scenes. Some porno videos actually tell a reasonable story where there is more than just sexual exploitation. So some selection is necessary. Google is a good resource to discover what are considered the best sex videos made in the past few decades.

Beside adding visual stimulation couples can mimic what they see, learn about new positions, empathize with the excitement of the sex partners, imagine participating in the viewed sex, experience sex beyond their own interests, such as gay, bi, S and M, bondage, oral and anal sex, and the use of fetishes. Some show dancing, foreplay that could be stimulating and perhaps above all can act as a stimulus to open the viewers to become freer and lustier about sex.

If you attempt to try out the benefits of sex videos and it is new to you imagine becoming an adventurer and explorer so you don’t take a negative bias into your viewing. An open mind will allow you to gain what might be there for you. At the very worst it won’t have any effect on you and may even turn you off. If so, just chalk it up as another interesting experience.

To determine if pornography may be a stimulus for your personal sex life approach its use openly. It might be a new vehicle for greater enjoyment of sex for occasional use or even frequent use. Remember adults have no restrictions on what they mutually do and prefer behind closed doors. So enjoy the movies and enjoy the sex and know you have taken another step to gaining a new stimulus for sex and love.

by Marvin H. Berenson, M.D. July 12, 2011

To discover new and effective ways to have a wonderful, romantic love life and to become a great lover, my book “Love and Sex” offers frank and wide-reaching information. You will find a truly in-depth look at what actually happens during sex and how to overcome sexual difficulties. By reading this book you can change your love life.

Honey Does My Butt Look Big – Never Mind I Love My Big Rounded Butt

Lately I’ve been working with an increasing number of black women dating white guys. The funny thing is that their struggles and the questions they ask me about dating white guys remind me of myself a few years ago.

I am a “typical” African man’s woman with a guitar-body shape, and even at a very early age, I knew that I drove guys crazy with every “calculated’ movement of my body especially my rear side. And being somewhat of an athletic tom-boy, I had so many opportunities to do just that. I was in their face but just out of touch kind of thing. I probably would have been slapped with a sexual harassment suit here in Canada –and that is why I have toned it down. But in many African cultures, this is part of everyday man-woman interactions (women know men are hypnotized by a bouncing-booty and love to tease them guys), as long as it’s done in a culturally tasteful and socially acceptable way.

But as I started to travel more and meet men from other races and cultures, my confidence in my “sexy body” was challenged – in some ways. When I found myself attracted to a white guy, all I could think of was how “different” I was from the types of women white guys are usually attracted to (all these were stereotypes I bought into based on movies, the media and fashion magazines).

Even when white guys showed some interest, I didn’t give them much of a chance because — in my mind — they were not attracted to me but the idea of me. I would sometimes ruin my dates with questions like “why are you attracted to me?” And if the poor guy said anything that included “exotic” I’d get so pissed off because again -in my mind — he had “jungle fever’ and this “bush-babe” wasn’t playing jungle doctor.

It took me many years to accept that white guys could fall in love with a black woman for who she was but most importantly that there are some white guys out there who are attracted to JLo -Beyonce backside.

So when black women – a majority of who like me love their big rounded butts — say to me “I know that he is attracted to me, but I am not skinny”, I ask them “And…?” And if we are comfortable with each other, I might teasingly say, “Oh My God! Does he know you have a big butt?”

But it’s not just black women alone who struggle with body-image stereotypes when it comes to interracial dating. I’ve found that even white woman and Asian woman struggle with the same exact concerns and worries when they are dating someone of a different race. It always seems like something is not “right” about how we look to the other person — and the media, TV ads, magazines and the internet just keep making us feel even more “inadequate’.

My opinion — this is not based on scientific research or anything — is that how we feel about our body is a reflection of our struggle to define our personal relationship with ourselves (who am I?) and with others (who are you and how do we get along?) at any given time.

The natural desire to “get along” and feel accepted, for all of us, starts from the moment we are born. If you were raised by parents and in a social environment that encouraged you to love your body as well as your feelings, unconditionally, you learned to be in awe of the human body as one of nature’s miracles (rightly so). You also learned to occupy and have a healthy relationship with your body-what it looks like, how it feels, how it functions-and as a result are at home in it. This is where you feel dramatic and full of vitality and bounce, a place where you can find and make a paradise for yourself and for those you love. When you meet a man or woman you are attracted to, you get plumped up like a boisterous rooster, your fullness ruffling every feather because you feel comfortable enough in your body to invite others in.

But very few of us are raised like this and despite our career success or business achievements, the body is where we have self-doubt, feel timid, anxious, and insecure.

We may have sensed at a very early age that our parents (however much they tried to disguise it), were expecting some-body more “perfect” looking. We were deprived of the emotional and sensory information we needed to distinguish between what is inside and what is outside us. Our natural inclination towards perfection, meant for our inner qualities, is somehow transferred to the perfection of externals.

Without this proper inner focus, we’ve come to accept that what defines us is someone or something outside of ourselves. And everywhere we turn somebody outside of ourselves-peers, teachers, media, advertising-is there to remind us we are not in a state of perfection. The different pressures to look a certain way to be popular, important, or visible; to be considered “good enough” to be part of the “right” crowd; or to attract the “perfect” partner-all operating at the same time-are especially severe for those of us in Western societies where there is a sort of requirement for “everybody to look the same” or as near as possible to that, if we are to be “certified” as sexually and socially acceptable.

This is what worked for me — and is helping many of my clients not just accept themselves as sexy in every environment but also exude an inner as well as an outer physical presence that has character, vitality, mystery, along with sex appeal.

1. Challenge the body image notions and stereotypes that society imposes on us…

It is possible to escape the consumer culture and media pressure, lessen the stress of “not fitting in” and recover your authentic “essence,” but it doesn’t happen overnight or with simple will-power alone.

It starts with you making a decision to provide yourself the emotional and sensory information you were deprived and which would have helped you distinguish between what is inside and what is outside your identity. You have to come to terms with knowing that who defines you is someone and something inside you and not outside you. You-and only you have the power to define who you are and what you will identify with.

Some of the questions that can help you in that direction are:

Ø How best can I uphold my deep values with the body I have?

Ø How can I tell my body that I think it’s sexy just the way it is? (This is not about “If I had a perfect body or the body that I dream about,” but rather “I have a body that is waiting on me to ignite it with love, passion, and magnificence.”)

Ø How can I help others love the bodies they have?

Do not be afraid to express who you are and what you identify with even if it goes against what is being glamorized as the norm. Every time you receive or come across information weigh it against your personal definition of sexy. See if there is something that supports your personal definition, learn from it and apply it. If nothing supports what you personally consider sexy, toss the information away. You know your body better than anyone else and you don’t need an equally insecure and unhappy person telling you how to feel secure and happy in your own body.

2. Become truly happy with something that is “unique” about you…

Becoming truly happy with your body is not the same thing as denying or trying to rationalize the self-critical voices interrupting your view of yourself. Rather, becoming truly happy with your body means adopting a non-judgmental attitude toward yourself. It’s the ability to see things realistically and objectively as they are and being “okay” with what is. It is about knowing deep inside you that you do not have to be classically beautiful by societal standards to be inexplicably “sexy.” But more than that, it is about seeing your body with “new” eyes, seeing it as a reflection of something far more intelligent, wise, ancient, and sacred; then feeling comfortable enough about this to invite others in.

Below are a few questions you can ask yourself to help you begin to see your body in a different light:

Ø If I am constantly trying to live up to someone else’s expectations, what does that say about me?

Ø If I changed all the parts of my body and replaced them with new ones every couple years, at what point would those new parts switch from being “not me” to being “me”? Would I be the same person?

Ø If I’m not (fat, skinny, short, tall, unattractive, attractive, etc), then what am I and who am I?

Ø If I woke up one morning, only to discover that all of my memories and consciousness had been transplanted into the body of a movie star or model (who is a total dumb-ass, narcissistic, immoral, etc), what sort of person would I be?

Ø Is there an “essence” to my identity which if it were taken away, I would cease to be?

3. Let go and let your body be!

Everything the body can do is potentially enjoyable and alive with possibilities, sense of well-being, even ecstasy. But for you to experience the limitless abilities and adaptabilities of your body, you have to allow a certain degree of vulnerability and surrender of body-control if you want to free yourself and your body. This includes letting go of any investment in holding on to fear, shame, anger, and so on. It also means allowing yourself to dream, to fantasize, to experiment, and to create your own sexual animal. For many of us this means breaking free from our neurotic fear of the erotic and transcending the deeply embedded negative beliefs and counterproductive attitudes we hold.

The following questions will help you get started on breaking free of the need to “maintain control” that does not make sense to the body. Thinking deeply and honestly about these questions and the answers you come up with will help you relax in intimate situations and may put you in contact with areas of yourself you may not have met before as an adult.

Ø What does letting go mean to me?

Ø How do I feel about letting go?

Ø Why do I feel that I have to be in control?

Ø What emotions, feelings, and reactions come up when I think of letting go?

Ø What vague feelings of dissatisfaction, self-consciousness, disillusionment, or shame about my sexual nature and sexual desires make my body tighten up?

Ø What would happen if I were to let go?

Ø Are there other ways in my life in which I find it hard to let go? Why?

Ø Is there anything I am afraid will happen if I am not in control?

Ø What other little ways can I be less in control throughout the day? How do I feel about that?

4. Add fluidity and elasticity to your body…

Your body is a symphony of vibrating strings and membranes that can contract and expand to give you a feeling of ease and fluidity in the body, making it easier to manage mental, emotional, and body tensions. A body that is fluid and at ease allows you to move easily between states of consciousness and unconsciousness without hesitation or fear. Being able to move easily between states of consciousness and unconsciousness will bring you into an awareness of what was previously invisible within you.

There are many meditation exercises that are effective in helping us feel mobile, relaxed, and fluid in our bodies (and you don’t have to stick with one to the exclusion of others). I personally find free-style dancing that allows the body to find its own spontaneous expression a fabulous way to express the most delightful facets of our inner-directed uniqueness, sensitivity of soul, and the eloquence of a dynamic body. The dimensions of experience you can meet within yourself through dance are without limits. You may find yourself stimulating skin cell renewal and revitalizing body tissue. You may even find exercising more fun and maintaining your ideal weight easier.

5. Reconnect with your spiritual self…

The body’s relationship to the spirit and the struggle of the spirit is often neglected in the discussions about body image. Yet there have been a lot of studies, with more coming out all of the time, that show that people who have body and spirit harmonic alignment also have a positive self and body image that does not depend on the numbers on the scale, or on a tape measure, or a clothing label. They are less anxious about the aging process, and rather than fear, deny, or fight it, they embrace their aging bodies as the living stone on which the story of their lives is written on.

All of us, at any age, can increase our spiritual awareness and give our bodies a sense of peace, safety, and meaning. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to regularly attend church, or go to a synagogue, or mosque to reap the benefits of living fully in your body.

I personally believe that spirituality is a belief and a sort of deep “knowing” that you’re connected to something greater, something larger than yourself. It is about your way of thinking, feeling, living and being with yourself, with others, and with the world around you. It is where you find meaning, peace, safety, and connection.

When the body feels safe and at ease, it is able to let go and be more natural, sensuous, and vibrant. However, you need to avoid over-spiritualizing sexuality and inadvertently obstructing the natural inner flow which knows the body best. Over-spiritualizing can sometimes cause you to be over impressed with the human mind and mechanical efforts to be spiritual and sexual-you will be missing the point!

When you begin to see your body as intelligent, wise, ancient, and sacred, you will begin to treat it as believers treat their temples and shrines-as a place to be revered and preserved in all its intricate and mysterious magnificence.

You will no longer be driven by the need for perfection but by fascination with what the body knows and does intuitively. As you learn to turn to your body for wisdom, guidance, and strength, you will no longer be obsessed simply by how it looks, but by its creativity, inventiveness, and resourcefulness. You will no longer be driven by comparisons to others but by an attitude and lifestyle that fits with your own definition of magnificence.

As you begin to enjoy your body as lusciousness and intoxicating, you begin to feel “perfect” in your own right. Rather than continually trying to move and challenge your body to look and perform to meet some-one else’s standards, you will want rapport with your body-your living, intelligent, wise and sensuous collaborator and best life companion-until death do you part.

Young or old, thin or fat, short or tall, you can make your body naturally sexy. You may not be able to reverse the aging process of your natural body, but you will sex up your body with the gleeful exuberance that combines the outer youthfulness of a young person (strength, stamina, muscle tone, flexibility and passion for life) with an inner eternal youthfulness that comes with confidence, wisdom — and with age.